


Grey or Blue

by Ilovethings_somuch



Category: Bucky Barnes - Fandom, Captain America, Steve Rogers - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, F/M, Slow Burn, but I swear it's worth it, like the slowest of burns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-27
Updated: 2017-12-03
Packaged: 2019-02-07 09:07:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 14,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12837894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ilovethings_somuch/pseuds/Ilovethings_somuch
Summary: "You haven't written to me in a week, I wonder why that is. Are you too nervous to be lovers? Friendships ruined with just one kiss"





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You haven't written to me in a week, I wonder why that is. Are you too nervous to be lovers? Friendships ruined with just one kiss"

“(y/n)? Earth to (y/n). What are you- ohhh. Get a grip, you’re practically drooling” my friend, Madison, waves her hand in front of my face, forcing me to return my attention to the task at hand.

“Sorry” I mumble, “where were we? Game of Chess?”

“The Fire Sermon” she corrects me.

“Fire, right” I nod and turn to the next page to start reading the first stanza aloud. Once I finish the section I look at Madison and wait for her to give her input.

“This poem is shit” she tells me instead.

“I know, but we need to at least have a basic understanding before class. I can’t do this without you”

“Says the one who was daydreaming about a boy less than 5 minutes ago”

“There’s no way I read that in less than 5 minutes, but I know and I’m sorry”

“When are you going to talk to him?”

“Who? Bucky? That’s funny Madison, like I could ever talk to him” I shake my head at her foolishness.

“Why is that funny? We are kind of friends with him”

“No, you’re friends with him. I’m that weird girl who basically third wheels with you two”

“It’s not third wheeling if no one is together” she sighs, annoyed that we’re having the same discussion for probably the third time this week. “Bucky and I are never going to be anything more than friends, and I think you two would be great together. Just talk to him, be yourself”

“I am being myself”

“No, I mean the fun you” she snickers while packing up her books, “I have to get to Crew, but Steve invited us to a party tonight we should leave around 8, I’ll be home by 7. Dress hot”

“But we didn’t even get through the poem”

“That’s because it’s 80 years long. We’ll finish it before Monday I promise” she kisses my cheek before walking away.

I spend a little more time in the library, enjoying the quiet space to get some work done. When I realize how late it’s getting I pack up my stuff and head back to my apartment. I decide to shower and redo my makeup before the party, by the time my hair is dry and my makeup is done to my satisfaction I only have a few minutes until Madison said we have to leave. I grab the first top and pants I see and throw them on before going to check in the mirror. I picked high waisted maroon pants and a black crop top. I sigh at my reflection, disappointed. I turn to change again when Madison suddenly walks into my room.

“Hello, knock maybe?”

“You should’ve closed the door” she responds and plops onto my bed.

“I did” I remind her with a glare.

“Calm down, you know you love me. By the way you look hot with a capital H”

“I’m changing” I state and turn back towards my closet.

“No you’re not” She grabs my hand and drags me out the door.

“I don’t even have shoes! Or my purse!” I realize as she closes the door to our apartment. I turn around to glare at her and find her holding the one pair of obnoxiously high heels I own, my purse, and my phone. I sigh and snatch the items from her, putting my purse and shoes on, which now put me at eye level with her.

“Ready?”

“No”

“Great!”  
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

“Madison! You made it!” Steve shouts as soon as we’re through the door, making everyone turn and look at us or, more accurately, look at her.

“Steve!” She shouts back and drags me along behind her and she weaves through the crowd.

“Oh hey, (y/n), glad you could make it too” He smiles and I can tell immediately that he’s already very drunk.

“Hi, Steve. This is a nice place”

“Isn’t it? I mostly have Bucky to thank for that. I don’t know how he found such a nice place within our budget”

“Bucky? As in Barnes?” I stutter, putting together why Madison wanted me to come out tonight.

“The one and only, didn’t Madison tell you we were roommates?”

“She failed to mention that one” I glare as her.

“Isn’t it great though? You and Madison are roommates, and me and Bucky are roommates, so double dates will be a piece of cake!”

“Double dates? Wait, are you two?” I put together their relationship before I realize what else he’s implying “Madison what did you tell him?” 

“Oh shit” Steve covers his mouth and starts giggling like a fool. “I wasn’t supposed to bring that up yet”

“Yeah, okay, you’re way too drunk for this conversation” Madison takes his arm and leads him to the kitchen, leaving me alone in the crowd of people. I work my way through the crowd again and snag an empty spot on the couch. I sit there for a while, pretending to be social, before I give up and pull out my phone to distract me. The sound of someone yelling brings my attention back to the room around me and I look up just as someone falls into my lap.

“Oh man, this couch is hard. Oh, that’s cause it’s a person” he giggles as he turns to look at me, “Hi (y/n)”

“Um, Hi Bucky”

“You’re pretty comfy now that I realize you’re not a couch”

“And you’re pretty drunk” I state, taking in the two beers he’s holding.

“Oh are you not? Here, I don’t know why I have two anyways” He hands me one of his cups, still unmoving from my lap.

“Thanks” I mumble, becoming more uncomfortable with every passing moment.

“Oh, I’m still sitting on you” he realizes which sets him into another fit of giggles. “Move, move” he shoos the people next to us, mumbling something about it being his couch, before sitting himself next to me. He turns so he’s facing me and puts his arm over the couch behind me.

“What are you doing Bucky, don’t you have people you’re supposed to be mingling with?”

“I thought that’s what we were doing, mingling” he laughs at the word. “You’re my friend, we should hang out. How about tomorrow?” He asks me, laying his head on the back of the couch and looking up at me through his eyelashes.

“I think you’re going to be hungover and not remember this tomorrow” I deadpan.

“No, I’ll remember. I promise”

“How about, if you remember then you can call me and I’ll say yes, okay? Do you have my number?”

“Of course I have your number!” he shouts like I just asked him the most ridiculous question.

“Shh, I was just checking” I laugh for the first time tonight, surprising myself.

“Look, I’ll text you now” he tells me and pulls out his phone. I get a notification a moment later that reads:

Bucky: I remmmebr

“It doesn’t count unless you remember tomorrow” I tell him after I’ve read his message.

“I just wanna hang out with you, (y/n)” he pouts at me, causing my stomach to erupt in a fit of butterflies.

“We’re hanging out right now” I’m able to stutter out.

“Can I kiss you?” He asks, immediately leaning forward.

“Buck I-” I’m cut off as his lips connect with mine. Part of me wants to shout from the rooftops, ecstatic that this man I’ve been pining for seems to be feeling the same way, and then I remember that he’s drunk and I just happened to be the girl whose lap he fell into. I let myself give into the kiss until he pulls away. He looks so pleased with himself that I almost want to stay, but when he opens his eyes I know I can’t.

“I’m sorry, Buck, I have to go” I stand up from the couch, wobbling slightly on my heels, and practically run to the door.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I watched you very closely, I saw you look away. Your eyes are either grey or blue, I'm never close enough to say"

I don’t get a text from Bucky so I assume he doesn’t remember what happened the night before. I decide it’s for the best, since starting a relationship on a drunk kiss isn’t exactly how I imagined it. Madison has been nagging me all day. First upset that I left her at the party, and then bugging me to tell her what happened when she noticed I was upset. I can’t tell her. She’s going to tell me that “when people are drunk they say what they want to say when they’re sober” and then I’m going to say “if he can’t say it when he’s sober then I don’t want to hear it” and then she’s going to tell me I’m being a prude and to be quite honest I just don’t want to hear it today.

On Sunday give up my plan to stay in my apartment all weekend, no longer able to stand the mutual silent treatment that’s happening here. I pack up my bag with everything I’ll need for a full day of studying and make my way to the library. Luckily for me it’s just about always empty on Sundays.

I stay pretty lucky right up until, none other than, Bucky walks in. Let me rephrase. Right up until Bucky walks in with Amber hanging on his arm. As I watch them walk across the room to an empty table I feel jealousy start to boil in my stomach. I have to remind myself that I chose to leave him last night, not the other way around. I take a few deep breaths and look up, meeting Bucky’s eyes for barely a second before he looks away. I notice the way he smiles brightly at Amber immediately after he looked away from me and I have to wonder if it’s real or for show.

I stay in the library for a while longer in hopes of clearing my head and getting back on track, but with the occasional bits of conversation and laughter that I keep hearing from Bucky and Amber doesn’t allow that to happen. I catch myself on multiple occasions staring off into space, imagining myself as the one studying and laughing with Bucky, the idea of making his light eyes crinkle with laughter makes me blush. A sharp outburst of laughter brings me back to reality and I slam my book shut louder than I meant, causing Bucky to look up and meet my eye. This time he doesn’t look away, instead giving me a soft smile and a nod of acknowledgment. I take that as final proof that he doesn’t remember the night before and give him a small, friendly, wave as I pack up my things and head home. 

When I get back to my apartment Madison is sitting in the living room. I try to make a beeline to my bedroom to avoid any questions but she starts talking as soon as I close the front door.

“Can you please just tell me what happened? You know I hate not talking to you. Did I do something?”

I sigh and cross the room to sit on the couch with her. “No, you didn’t do anything. It’s nothing really. I just didn’t want to go and then what Steve said, it was just a lot and I didn’t feel very good”

“Then why were you so upset yesterday?” She prods.

“I don’t know, really, it was nothing”

“You’re a shit liar” she deadpans.

“I-” I start but stop when I see the look she gives me. I take a deep breath, considering what I’m about to say deeply before blurting out, “Bucky kissed me”

“What? And you left? And you’re upset? Wait, wait. We are talking about Bucky Barnes, right?”

“The one and only” I mimic Steve.

“(y/n)! Why are you not excited?”

“Because he was drunk! And I told him that if he remembered on Saturday that I would hang out with him, but clearly he didn’t. Besides, I saw him with Amber at the library, so clearly it didn’t actually mean anything”

“Amber? No, he’s tutoring her, she’s failing astronomy and Bucky’s in her class so he offered to help. You know, cause he’s a nice guy” she informs me.

“That doesn’t explain why she was hanging on him and why they were doing more giggling than studying”

“It’s Amber” she tells me as if that clears everything up which, to be fair, it sort of does.

“Okay, whatever. It happened, it’s over, I’m not going to let it bother me”

“Does that mean you’re over him?”

“Yeah” I try to sound convincing, even as my voice cracks.

“You keep telling yourself that, honey” Madison tells me, patting my head sympathetically.

I lean forward and fall onto her shoulder, whining “help me”

“Give me your phone” she sighs and I hand it to her without hesitation. I watch as she opens up messages, going to Bucky’s name and typing a message.

“No!” I jump up and snatch the phone from her hand. “I take it back, I don’t want help” I pick up my bag and head for my room.

“You’re going to regret that!” Madison calls after me and I roll my eyes as I flop down on my bed.

Regret it? Yeah, I do regret it. I regret letting him kiss me. I regret letting myself fall for him in the first place. And I sure as hell regret leaving the other night. If I would’ve just stayed this whole situation could’ve turned out completely different. I could be with Bucky right now, or it could’ve been a one time thing. I can’t decide which possibility is worse.

I open my phone and look at the text Madison had typed out, ‘Hey, Bucky, I was wondering if you’d be interested in studying for english with me, Madison, and Steve toni’ The idea of a double study date does sounds promising, and I do need to finish that stupid poem before tomorrow. I pick myself back off the bed and trudge out to the living room.

“Are you actually studying with Steve tonight?” I mumble, looking anywhere but at her.

“Yeah, I told you we would finish the poem before Monday and Steve hadn’t done it yet either, and since Bucky lives there and he’s in the class too I thought it would be a good opportunity.

“But it’s weird if I ask him”

“Why? Seriously, (y/n), even if you don’t, Bucky considers you two to be friends. Just send the text” she practically commands me.

I frown down at my phone, my thumb hovering over the send button. I take a deep breath and press down, the familiar whoosh sound of a sent text follows quickly after and I almost fall to the floor at the anxiety that’s rolling through me. It takes less than a minute before my phone dings with a response.

Bucky: Yeah, that sounds awesome! That poem is kicking my ass right now

“Oh my god” I breath

“What did he say!” Madison jumps up from the couch and steals my phone from my hand. “This is great! (Y/N), he said yes, you should be smiling”

“No, now I have to hang out with him”

“And it’s going to be very relaxed and Steve and I are going to be there. Deep breaths, it’s going to work out” I listen and take a deep rattling breath. “You need to respond though. Tell him that Steve offered their place and we’ll be over around 6. Oh and mention that we’re bringing Chinese food” I squint at her, trying to remember everything while also calming my racing heart. “Never mind, I’ll do it”

(y/n): Me too! Hopefully having a group to discuss will help. Steve said that Madison and I could come over there, we should be there around 6. With Chinese food!

She read the text aloud to me and hit send after I nodded my approval. “Okay, enough over thinking. Get your stuff, we have chinese food and boys to get!” she announces and pulls me up from my spot on the floor. I stumble my way back to my room and throw my textbook, notebook, and computer into my bag before heading back to the living room. Madison isn’t done getting her stuff yet so I lean against the wall by the door and start scrolling through instagram while I wait for her. As I’m scrolling another text from Bucky comes through.

Bucky: Sounds perfect, see you then :)

And my anxiety has spiked again.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "But your sweatshirt says it all with that hood over your face. I can't keep staring at your mouth without wondering how it tastes"

Madison was surprisingly good at timing things and we made it to Steve and Bucky’s apartment right at 6. Madison talked my ear off about her and Steve’s budding relationship the entire walk over, effectively distracting me from overthinking the entire situation that was about to take place.

“Ready?” she checked and I nodded before she knocked on the door. Everything turned to a blur and the next thing I know I’m sitting on the couch next to Madison with Steve and Bucky sitting across from us.

“(y/n), what do you think about A Game of Chess?” Madison asks, bringing me back to the present.

“Um, I think the repetition of ideas of seduction, or possibly even rape, is an interesting choice and I wonder why he chose that” I read from a part of my notes.

“Ideas of rape?” Steve interrupts, “where did you get that from?”

“Well, if you read the footnotes it talks about how the title of this section could be a reference to a play called Women Beware Women and specifically to a scene where there’s a chess game happening in the living room, and every move on the chessboard mirrors a move towards seduction, or rape, of the daughter in the upstairs bedroom” I can feel everyone’s eyes on me as I give my full explanation, and I look just about anywhere except at anyone’s eyes.

“How do you know all that?” Bucky finally speaks up from their shocked silence.

“I just did a lot of research yesterday.” I look up at Bucky, for the first time taking in his appearance. He seems to have changed out of his outfit from earlier and is now wearing a University sweatshirt and sweatpants. The hood pulled over his head makes him appear cold, though it’s only October and their apartment can’t be any less than 75 degree. “The whole poem is filled with references to different things, so I wanted to try and understand as many of them as I can. Although I don’t know that that’s actually going to help with understanding the poem, so you guys don’t need to listen to me” I ramble on, beginning to feel more and more uncomfortable with the statement I made.

“No, I think it’s a good point to make. The topic of seduction or rape can change the mood of this section a lot, especially depending on which it is” Bucky tells me is a sort of reaffirming manor. He gives me a small smile when our eyes meet, I try to return it but look away quickly afterward.

I try really hard to focus on the poem, but every time Bucky talks my mind seems to drift further and further away. I catch myself gazing at his mouth at one, okay a few, moments. I can’t help but remember the other night, and imagine how it would feel to kiss him again, how it would taste without the lingering taste of alcohol on his lips. 

Madison and I head home around eleven, having it taken us that long to get through the entirety of the poem. By the time I fall into my bed I’m well ready to sleep until my alarm. However, my brain seems to have different ideas. All I can see is Bucky, and I find myself imagining again and again what would’ve happened if I had stayed, or if he had texted me.  
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

“Steve could you please just stop bugging me about it” Bucky fell face first onto his bed while Steve paced beside him.

“You need to talk to her. It’s obvious you two like each other, if you would just look at one another for once it wouldn’t be hard to spot”

“She doesn’t like me, if she did then she wouldn’t have left” Bucky says coldly, trying to put an end to the conversation.

Unfortunately, Steve won’t quit. “She gave you the perfect opportunity to text her”

“I don’t even remember what that text was about. I don’t remember the conversation. All I know is that I kissed her and she left”

“So ask her. There’s your conversation starter! Look, Buck, from pretty much the world’s leading authority on waiting too long, don’t” Steve says sincerely.

“Just because you didn’t ask Peggy out in high school doesn’t mean you’re the world’s leading authority on waiting too long” Bucky sits up and throws him a glare “I’ll think about it, but can you please get out of my room?”

“Fine, fine” Steve holds his arms up in surrender and turns towards the door. “If you don’t text her by Wednesday I’m doing it for you!” he calls once he’s out the door.

Bucky falls back onto his bed with a groan. Why can’t Steve just let him be? He isn’t even sure if the feelings he had were real or just infatuation. Though the way he feels when he listens to (y/n) talk about something she care about tells him more than he needs to know, even if he doesn’t want to hear it. He picks up his phone, hoping for a distraction, but the first thing that pops up is the previous conversation with (y/n). The offending text, “I remmmebr”, still haunting him at the top of the screen. The desire to text (y/n) grows stronger with every passing minute, but when he notices the late hour he decides it’s best to wait until morning when hopefully he’ll have a clearer head. Turning his phone and the light off he tries to sleep, but the image of (y/n) keeps him from sleeping.

When he finally falls into a deep sleep, his mind is flooded with an array of dreams. The most memorable involving (y/n). The whole thing feels like it’s happened before. He falls onto her lap, embarrassed as he realizes he fell onto, not just anyone but, (y/n).

“Um, Hi Bucky” She looks at him confused and he can feel the heat rising in his cheeks. Flash forward and he’s sitting next to her, attempting to flirt but the alcohol is making everything he says incoherent, or maybe that’s just part of the dream.

“I just wanna hang out with you, (y/n)” finally a clear sentence makes it’s way past his lips, unfortunately it’s before he’s able to filter it. The shocked look on her face passes quickly and is replaced by mocking laughter. The sound fills the room and soon everyone is looking at him and laughing.

Bucky wakes in a cold sweat, the nightmare having ruined any chances at sleep for the night. As he lays in bed he wonders which parts of the dream were real and which were just imaginary.  
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The next morning I walk with Madison to English and Steve joins us along the way.

“Bucky overslept, but he’ll make it before class starts” Steve looks to me as he speaks with a sort of reassuring tone.

“Um, okay” I respond, unsure why he thought he had to tell me that. I sit in my usual seat with Madison on my left. The seat to my right usually remains empty, but today Connor takes a seat next to me.

“Is it okay if I sit here?” He asks me once he’s already seated.

“Yeah, it’s usually open” I tell him offhandedly.

“Great” he gives me such a big smile that I can’t help but smile back. As class starts I notice Bucky slipping in the back and taking the nearest seat. The professor takes the whole hour just to get through the first section of the poem. Even with my extra research and our study group, he’s able to point out things that I didn’t notice. I take hurried notes as he changes topics every second. By the time class is over I feel like I need to take a nap and process everything. I say goodbye to Madison, as we’re headed in different directions, and get up to leave when Connor stops me.

“Hey, (y/n), so I noticed you seem to be understanding this poem a lot more than everyone else so I was wondering if you could maybe help me with it?” He rocks back and forth on his heel as he talks. As he leans back I can see Bucky over his shoulder, watching our interaction. Right as our eyes meet he turns around quickly, taking up a conversation with Amber. I set my jaw and look back to meet Connor’s eyes.

“Yeah, I can do that. Just text me a time?” I say, pulling out my phone to exchange numbers

“Actually I thought we could get dinner tonight? My treat” He offers, hopefully. I take one last look at Bucky, who’s currently laughing with Amber, before I give him my response.

“Yeah, sure that sounds fun” We exchange numbers and he gives me a hug with a generous kiss on the cheek before we part ways. As I’m leaving I catch Bucky’s eye again, but this time I’m the one who looks away.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'm with another boy, he's asleep I'm wide awake and he tried to win my heart but it's taken (time)"

“So what are your thoughts on the poem so far?” I ask Connor in between bites of pizza. He brought me to the new Pizza place in town, insisting that it’s the best pizza he’s ever taste; and once I’ve had a bite I don’t disagree. The conversation thus far has been very scattered and our actual studying has been slim.

“I think it’s confusing”

“Okay” I laugh, “but we already knew that”

“Right, well I think it feels like a first draft. Like there are pieces that make sense but then the idea changes drastically and I can’t keep up”

“I know what you mean. You know what a collage is right?”

“It’s just a bunch of random images that have the same idea right?” He asks me before taking another big bite.

“Yeah, except they don’t have to be the same idea. Sometimes they just look nice together or sometimes the point is to show how different things are”

“So you’re saying The Waste Land is like a collage?”

“That’s exactly what I’m saying”

“Okay, I could see it” he nods thoughtfully, “but what’s the main idea, what is it a collage of?”

“You remember when we talked about the Eliot’s biography, right?”

“”Remind me?”

“Well for this poem specifically, it was shortly after World War I. Have you seen pictures of Europe after World War I? The whole place looks, well, like a wasteland”

“So this is a poem about desolation after war?”

“I don’t know, but it should at least be considered. I do think it’s a poem that is trying to bring together all the parts of humanity that have been broken apart and scattered during the war”

“That, actually makes sense” he looks at me as if he’s surprised before continuing “you should be the teacher”

“You’re making our professor sound awful!” I laugh, making Connor laugh too.

“Well he kind of is. You explained all that to me in a matter of minutes and we’ve been studying it in class for a week and I still didn’t understand it from him”

“But I got all of that from his class, I think you just don’t pay attention”

“Well it’s a lot easier to pay attention to a beautiful girl than a grumpy old professor” He shrugs and takes a drink of his soda. His comment shocks me for a minute and all I can do is blush and hope he doesn’t notice. “Do you think you could tutor me regularly? I really need to do well in this class”

“I could probably make that work” I shrug

“Great, I’d really like to spend more time with you (y/n). Maybe outside of studying too” he tells me earnestly.

“Really?” I question and he nods. Almost annoyingly, Bucky pops into my brain but I push the thought away as I remember Amber, “I’d like that too”  
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

“Come on, Amber, we have to focus if you’re going to pass this test” Bucky grumbles as Amber starts going off track once again.

“But astrology is hard” She whines.

“First of all it’s astronomy,” he rolls his eyes at her “And second, if you’re not interested in it why would you even take the class. It’s not like you need it to graduate” She just shrugs her response and goes back to scrolling through her phone. “If you’re not going to take studying seriously then I’m not going to help you” Bucky finally annouces and starts packing up his things.

“No, Bucky please” She puts her hands on his to stop his movements. “Okay, so maybe I don’t actually care about astronomy. I should probably just drop it, but I thought asking you to study would be a good way for us to get to know each other” She shrugs and looks at him through her eyelashes.

“Get to know each other?” he questions, clearly confused.

“Bucky I like you. I thought if we spent more time together, you would start to like me too. Apparently I was wrong” She sighs and starts packing up her own things.

Bucky thinks back to all the unnecessary touches she shared with him and how she always tried to talk about their lives instead of the class and everything starts to make sense. He realizes that he didn’t notice because he was always so caught up on (y/n), but then he remembers the moment he witnessed between her and Connor the very same day.

“Amber wait” he puts his hand on her arm and she looks at him hopefully. “I guess I just never saw you that way, but I think I’d like to try”

“Really?” She asks with a triumphant smile on her face before she throws her arms around his neck.

“We can just see what happens, okay?” He hugs her back lightly before disconnecting himself from her.

“Does that mean we can go on a real date? How about Friday?”

“Sure, that sounds nice” he smiles, though a guilty feeling is starting to rise in his stomach.

“I can’t wait” Amber bounces next to him, reaching out to give him a kiss on the cheek, “text me okay?” Bucky nods his response and watches her leave the library.  
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

A few weeks of regular study dates, that turn out to be more date than study, go by with Connor. He’s been the perfect gentleman so far and we haven’t gone past some heavy petting. There hasn’t been any discussion on what our relationship is, though that may be my fault. Every time the topic approaches I change the subject. A part of me wants to make our relationship official, Connor’s a great guy. He’s kind, smart, and seems to really want to be with me, but every time I see Bucky I find my feelings for him to be unwavering. It isn’t until I see him holding hands with Amber one day on my way back to my apartment that I finally decide to let myself be more open to Connor.

Luckily he’s coming over tonight, I’m making him dinner and there was hinting at him spending the night since Madison went home for the weekend. I busy myself with cleaning and making dinner until Connor shows up around 7. I made a simplified version of stir fry Connor insists that it’s good even though I over did it on the sauce and the vegetables are slightly mushy.

“Thank you for cooking for me” He thanks me with a kiss while we’re washing dishes.

“Thank you for helping me clean up” I smile and give him another kiss.

“So I was thinking”

“Well that’s never good” I interrupt him with a smirk before I meet his eye and find him completely serious. “I’m sorry, what were you going to say?”

“Wow this is weird now that I’m saying it out loud, but I guess what I’m trying to say is I want to take our relationship to the next level”

“Relationship?” I ask and then immediately regret it when I see the hurt on his face

“Is that not what this is? I’m sorry I thought I made it clear”

“I’m sorry, I’m bad at picking up on things like that”

“I guess we should’ve had this conversation earlier then” he laughs without amusement.

“What conversation is this exactly?”

“Well first I want to be clear that I want you to be my girlfriend” he holds my both my hands in his and I have a weird mental image of a proposal. So many thoughts cross my mind in a matter of seconds, but words don’t seem to want to make sense. I aim for physical confirmation instead and push myself onto my toes to capture his lips in a kiss. He seems to take that answer and pulls me closer with a firm grasp on my hips. The motion causes me to gasp but the sound comes out as more of a moan.

Connor chuckles into the kiss before pulling back a bit, “this is kind of going where the conversation was meant to be about”

“Oh you mean you wanna,” I awkwardly gesture between our two bodies and Connor nods, still laughing and making me laugh too. He takes my laughter as confirmation and I don’t tell him otherwise. Our movements are awkward and bumbling, but we somehow end up in bed. He seems to have come prepared and quickly pulls a condom out of his pocket and throws it up on the desk by my bed. I look up as I hear it skid onto the wooden surface before looking back at Connor with a confused raise of my eyebrow.

“For later, I want to work up to it” He tells me with a gentle smile. Normally this response would ease my nerves, but when he moves from kissing my lips to venture down my neck I can’t take it anymore.

“Can we just do it?” I ask, but the words come out more bratty than I intended and the look he gives me shows his shock. “I’m sorry, I just mean, I want to feel you” I try to sound seductive this time and it seems to work as I watch his eyes grow darker. He kisses my lips again, but this time it’s hard and full of need. Suddenly it’s a race to get our clothes off and before I know it I’m laying back under him as he rolls the condom on.  
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

2:00 the clock blinks at me accusingly. Connor is asleep beside me, as he’s been for hours now. I should be asleep too, but instead regret is gnawing my stomach raw as I look at our two bodies still partially intertwined. I’ve been trying to rationalize what I’ve done. As much as I like Connor, I can’t keep doing this to him. A part of me knows that it’s only to distract myself from Bucky, maybe even a lame attempt to make him jealous. As if he would even notice.

By 3:00 I make the firm decision to break up with Connor when he wakes up. I know it’s going to hurt, him probably more than me, but it needs to be done. I can’t keep leading him on like this. I manage to fall asleep before the clock gets to 4:00, the warm comfort that is Connor’s arms finally becoming too much to ignore.

I feel movement beside me and open my eyes, momentarily forgetting I had a bed partner this morning.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t want to wake you. I just really have to pee” Connor tells me with a crooked grin before he pecks my lips and hops over me in search of the bathroom. I lie back on the bed, content to fall back to sleep before the events of last night flood back to me and I remember what I have planned to do.  
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Bucky groans as he rolls over in bed, the single line of sunlight shining directly onto his pillow making for an earlier rise than he had hoped. After getting drunk at his neighbor’s party he had stumbled back to his room, not really remembering the events of the night before. For this reason, he jumps back and almost falls out of bed when I realizes someone is in his bed. He has a moment of panic but when he finds that it’s Amber and they’re both fully clothed he sighs in relief. He wouldn’t have put it past either of them to do something hasty in their drunken state, but it seems he’s safe from at least one embarrassment for the morning.

The pounding headache and dry mouth convince him to get out of bed and make his way to the bathroom. After downing a glass of water and some pain meds he takes in his appearance in the mirror. If his head didn’t hurt so much he probably would’ve laughed at his appearance. His hair is starting to get long again and is currently sticking in every possible direction, the shirt he wore to the party last night has a mysterious stain across the front, and the bags under his eyes make it look like he hasn’t slept in weeks. He pulls the shirt from his body, throwing it in the trash, and wets his hands before attempting to get his hair under control. Once the majority of his hair is back in place he deems it good enough and makes his way back to his room to find new clothes.

Upon entering the room he finds Amber still asleep. He tries to be as quiet as he can while he grabs a clean shirt and puts it on, but as he pulls out a pair of athletic shorts he hears her moving in the bed. He looks over his shoulder and finds her stretching her arms over her head as she opens her eyes.

“Good morning” he gives her a small smile. The smile she returns is ten times bigger than his and he can’t help but smile a little bigger in response.

“Good morning,” she sits up and assesses the space around her “your room isn’t what I expected”

“Is that a bad thing?” he checks while crossing the room to sit beside her. She wraps her arms around his torso and he gives her a one armed hug back.

“Not bad. I like it, I see why you say you study better here. You’re whole apartment is really chill when there isn’t a party happening here” she jokes and Bucky chuckles at the mention of the latest party.

“Yeah, I like it here” a moment of silence passes before Bucky suddenly jumps to his feet. “So do you want food? I think we have cereal, maybe some eggs or something” Amber laughs at his sudden peak in energy and agrees to have whatever he’s having. “You can wear some of my clothes if you want something clean. I’ll leave you to change and go whip something up”

“Okay Bucky. Thanks”

Bucky practically bolts from the room to the kitchen. He finds Steve in the living room, already typing away on his computer.

“Morning sunshine” Steve laughs at Bucky’s disheveled appearance. “I heard you talking in there, did you finally grow a pair and talk to (y/n)?”

“Don’t say her name” Bucky whispers a yell and throws a pillow across the couch at Steve. “It’s Amber, my girlfriend, remember that conversation?”

“I probably blocked it out when you said Amber.” he shrugs and goes back to typing before the words Bucky said finally process and he looks back up at him. “I’m sorry did you say girlfriend?”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I know the shape of your hands ‘cause I watch them when you talk and I know the shape of your body ‘cause I watch it when you walk and I want to know it all but I'm giving you the lead, so go on. Go on and take it.

Breaking up with Connor turned out to be easier said than done. Everything about him is entirely perfect and if I wasn’t so caught up on Bucky I know he would be good for me. How do tell someone that you don’t feel what they do and they’ve just been a distraction from your real feelings towards someone else. You don’t.

“I just don’t think I’m right for you. You deserve someone who wants to be in a relationship and someone who’s ready to give you all of them. I just can’t do that”

“Right now”

“What?”

“You can’t do it right now, and that’s okay. (Y/N), we can slow down. I knew I shouldn’t have sprung that on you last night. We can slow down and work into this relationship or not relationship” He gives me a hopeful lopsided grin and I feel like I’m going to throw up, or cry.

“No, Connor, I don’t think you get what I’m saying”

“You’re not ready for a relationship right now, but you were okay with what we were doing before, right? We can just go back to that.” He stands in front of me and rubs his hands up and down my arms in a soothing pattern.

“I can’t keep you waiting around on me when I’m not sure that I’ll ever be ready.” I can’t meet his eyes anymore, if I do I know that I’ll cave. “Connor I can’t do this, anything, with you”

The movement on my arms stops before he pulls his hands away completely and pushed his fingers through his hair. “If that’s what you want” He mumbles and goes about getting dressed and picking up the few items he has scattered around my room. Once he has everything collected he turns to look at me “Why did you say yes last night? You could’ve just said no then. You didn’t have to string me on longer” His eyes are cold when I meet them and my jaw trembles as I try not to cry.

“I’m sorry. I- I” I manage to croak out while trying to think of something to say to make this better.

“Save it, I’m sure you’ll be happy with whoever he is” His voice is stone cold, something I never thought I would say about Connor, as he turns and leaves.  
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Whatever part of my brain thought this would make me feel better was wrong. I used to be good at being alone, but even the short time I was with Connor changed all that. Madison has been helpful, even if she doesn’t understand why I did what I did. We’ve done the cliche ‘eat ice cream, watch cheesy romance films, and cry’ thing and sometimes I think I’m getting better, but then I see Bucky or Amber, or worse, both of them together and everything in me crumbles down again.

“You need to get back out there” Madison tells me in her too cheery voice.

“Get back out there? As in move on from Bucky, didn’t we already try that?” I glare at her, but she doesn’t flinch.

“As in go out, have a good time and stop moping around, do something about it.”

“Like what? I tried going out with someone different and that was a disaster and now Bucky is dating someone new and let’s be honest, they’re perfect for each other”

“That’s impossible because you and Bucky are perfect for each other”

“Shut up, you know that’s not true”

“Actually, I know that it is true, and if you two would just talk to each other for once maybe you would get that”

“I tried talking to him!”

“When? That time I texted him for you? Oh or that time when he was drunk and probably didn’t even know what was happening. Those don’t count (y/n)! You need to actually talk, in person and sober if you want this to work” she yells accusingly and I set my jaw before speaking.

"Well maybe I don’t.”

“Don’t what?”

“Maybe I don’t want this to work. Maybe I should just be alone forever like I planned. It was easier that way.” I stomped to my room, slamming my door like a child but Madison catches it before it closes.

"Don’t do that. Look, I’m sorry I yelled at you but I just don’t know how to help you.” It’s silent for a few moments as we both process our emotions. She sighs before speaking again, “I can talk to Steve, see if Amber and Bucky’s relationship is really as perfect as it seems”

“Only tell me if it’s not” I mumble and put my face into my pillow.  
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

“But how real is it?” Madison presses Steve, hoping to find answers for her friend.

“I don’t know, Madison, they don’t come here”

“Like ever?”

“Well, I guess she slept over last weekend,” He shrugs.

“She slept over? That’s kind of a big deal!”

“No, but it was weird” He shakes his head and Madison nods for him to continue. “Well they were drunk when they got here, and I know when we’re that drunk we’re all over each other when we get back right?” she nods her agreement, “but I didn’t even hear them come in. So I don’t think it’s possible they were getting it on and then in the morning I asked Bucky if it was (y/n) and he freaked out when I said her name, like shushing me and shit. It seemed like he wasn’t happy Amber was here, but he was also hung over so maybe I read too much into it. We know he likes (y/n).”

“We know that, but how come they can talk to us about it and not talk to each other. I hate to intervene-”

“Oh shut up, you love to intervene” Steve interrupts her and she smiles slyly at him.

“You know me so well”

“So what’s your plan?”  
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

“I’m not leaving my bed. I live here” I groan into my pillow while Madison works around me. She throwing clothes around, supposedly looking for something for me to wear that the party I don’t want to go to.

“Stop whining, this is going to be fun. I promise!”

“Somehow I don’t believe you”

“Well you don’t have to. You’re going whether you want to or not,” she says. I sigh, knowing I’m not going to win this battle, and get up to look at the clothes she picked out for me.

“I’m not wearing that” I point to the dress she picked out, how she managed to find the one dress that barely covers my butt is beyond me.

“Okay fine” She hands me some pants and a top instead.

“Privacy?” I ask, looking between her and the clothes. She groans and turns around but doesn’t leave the room. “You’re lucky I love you” I tell her once I’m dressed and she turns around.

“See, it wasn’t so hard to say it! Now you just need to say it to Bucky, not me” She smiles and I huff as I move past her, flipping her off on the way.

“Wait it’s at Steve’s place? Madison what the hell, you know Bucky’s going to be here”  
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

“No, no Steve said he went home for the weekend. I swear, it’s just free booze.” she tells me and I surprisingly believe her. We manage to enter the party without Steve yelling our arrival for once. I follow Madison into the kitchen and before I know it there’s a drink in my hand. I don’t hesitate before taking a drink, though I probably should’ve asked what it was first.

“Is this just straight vodka?” I ask Madison and she shrugs at me in response. I roll my eyes but take another sip. Before long I’m on my third, or is it fourth, drink. The music taste of the almost frat boys gets better as the night goes on and I can’t help but dance along to the music. Madison has been keeping a close eye on me and Steve has been hanging out with the two of us. I’ve noticed them whispering a couple times but I don’t bother asking what it’s about.

“Bucky’s in the house!” Someone shouts from the other room and I choke on my drink.

“What? Why is Bucky back?” Steve asks, but his acting skills are lacking even in my drunken state. 

“Really, he went home for the weekend?” I glare at Madison.

“I really thought he was, (y/n) I’m so sorry. We can leave.”

“No, you know what, I want to stay. I don’t give a fuck who’s here” I know it’s probably the alcohol talking more than me, but at the moment I don’t care. Madison smiles at me, but that’s because she thinks I’m getting over Bucky.

“I want another one of these” I hold up my cup to Madison, not really knowing what’s in it. She agrees and goes to the kitchen to get another one. I stay in my place by the wall, swaying slightly to the music and minding my own business. As I look around the room I spot Bucky by himself for the first time in weeks. I smile slightly, maybe due to a sick part of me hoping that he broke up with Amber. I’ll blame it on the alcohol, or maybe it’s just the crush, but I can’t help but stare at him. The way he talks with his hands, always moving in a way where I can’t help but think how they would feel cupping my cheeks or holding my waist. He starts walking towards the kitchen and I practically swoon at the way he walks, always with a purpose and practically a strut. I probably look like a lovesick puppy, though I’m too lost in my brain to really notice.

“Hi, (y/n)” Bucky smiles at me. I jump, not sure how I missed him walking towards me.

“Hi, Buck, surprise seeing you here” He crinkles his eyebrows, clearly confused at my statement. “Steve said you were out of town this weekend.”

“He did? I don’t know why he would think that, but I didn’t realize he was having a party tonight so I guess communication hasn’t been that great between us this week” he shrugs before looking back up at me with a smirk when I hiccup. “Have you been drinking?”

“Maybe a bit, it’s free booze” I shrug and try to play it cool even as I feel my face heat up and I hiccup again.

“I think it’s time to cut you off” He calmly takes the drink out of my hand and his smile grows.

“That’s probably a good idea. Hey, it’s kind of like last time there was a party here except that time you were the drunk one” I giggle which turns into a laugh much too big for my sad excuse of a joke. At least Bucky has the courtesy to laugh with me.

“Did we hang out at the last party?” He asks me once I’ve stopped giggling. “Weird, I don’t remember that”

“No? It was pretty eventful” he looks confused, making it clear that he really doesn’t remember. “I was sitting on the couch and you sat on me”

“I sat on you? That’s so weird, I actually had a dream about that but I didn’t think it actually happened. I’m so sorry, I hope I didn’t hurt you.” He reaches out and runs one hand down my arm and my heart flutters.

“N-no you didn’t” I stutter out, the alcohol clearly not giving me all the courage I hoped for. The silence turns awkward after that and I do my best to fill it, “Um, where’s Amber I feel like I haven’t seen you two apart in forever” I try to say it lightheartedly but it probably didn’t sound that way if the look on Bucky’s face is any indication.

“Um, yeah I didn’t plan on hanging out with her tonight, but I also didn’t know there was a party. I guess I should probably invite her” he shrugs and goes to pull out his phone.

“I didn’t mean you had to, I just, I don’t know. Sorry” I look away, expecting Bucky to walk away, but he slowly puts his phone back in his pocket and moves to lean against the wall next to me.

“Do you want anything, water or some food?”

“I’m actually starving, Madison told me there would be food here but I feel like Steve planned this party like yesterday”

“I think he did” Bucky laughs. “What do you say we go get some food? I can drive us somewhere, get some nice greasy take-out?” He asks me in a singsong voice and I can’t help but smile.

“No, no I don’t want to impose” I try to wave him off.

“You’re not imposing, I haven’t eaten yet either and you should really eat if you’ve been drinking”

“Since when are you the responsible one?” I squint at him accusingly.

“That’s a good question. Come on, food, it’ll be good. I’ll go find Madison and tell her where we’re going, and I can take you home afterwards.” The smile he gives me makes it impossible for me to say no, so I nod and smile as he grabs my hand and leads me through the crowd.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Don't second guess your feelings, they were right from the start. And I noticed she's your lover but she's nowhere near your heart"

Bucky takes me to a small diner that sits roughly in the middle of our two apartments. Luckily they serve the greasiest burgers and fries in town and that’s what seems to be calling my name. We’re also the only people in the restaurant at this time of night, the usual drunk crowd won’t be in for a few more hours and it’s too late for most sober people. I order a chocolate milkshake and a large order of fries to go along with my cheese burger. Bucky asks for the same thing after agreeing that it sounded good. Once the waitress is gone and the alcohol in my system is wavering with every drink of water I take, an awkward silence takes over our table.

“Um, thank you for bringing me here. I forget that it’s important to eat when you’re drinking” I attempt to break the silence

“Yeah it’s no problem. I was surprised to see you drinking, aren’t you always the one who looks after Madison, something must’ve happened to make you want to drink” he pauses and waits for an answer that I’m not prepared to give.

“Oh I don’t know, nothing really happened. I guess it’s just been a while since I’ve really let loose and Madison insisted on going to Steve’s party”

“Really? nothing happened with, oh I don’t know, Connor?” He asks innocently and gives me an almost taunting smile.

“Connor?” I practically spit my drink out, does that mean Bucky actually does pay attention to what I do with my life?

“Don’t act so surprised” Bucky laughs “It wasn’t that hard to see, he was practically hanging on your every word in English the past couple weeks”

“That’s not true” I try to defend myself, though I’m not sure why.

“So nothing happened then, to make you want to get drunk? You two are still together?”

“Um, no actually we aren’t, but that’s not why I got drunk” I mumble.

“I’m sorry, do you want to talk about it?” He offers, touching my hand as he speaks. I jump in surprise, but manage not to pull my hand back.

“No, no I’m fine”

“If you say so” he shrugs and pulls his hand back to his side of the table. “Wait, so then if it wasn’t Connor. Why did you want to get drunk?”

“Well I wouldn’t say I went there with the intention of getting drunk, but Madison put a drink in my hand and I guess I thought if I just gave into it for a while I would feel better about everything that’s going on”

“Everything that’s going on?”

“Like midterms, and scholarships, and finding a job to help me not be in so much debt. It’s nothing really major, just like normal college stressors.”

“That’s really all?” He holds my gaze, trying to get something else out of me

“I promise there’s nothing more”

He seems to finally believe me and I’m thankful for the distraction of our food arriving. Bucky digs in, the grease from the burger drips slightly down his chin and I can’t help but laugh. He looks up at me with a questioning raise of his eyebrow.

“You just, here” I reach forward, napkin in hand, and wipe the drip off his chin.

“Thanks” he smirks and goes back to eating while I follow suit and pick up my burger. My eyes ended up being bigger than my stomach and I end up picking at my fries and my milkshake.

“Too much food?” Bucky asks.

“I should’ve know a large would be too much, but I was so hungry” I mock whine with a laugh.

“I would say you could take them to go, but left over fries are never as good” he shrugs and I nod in agreement before putting my head down on the table.

“Do we have to leave?” I turn my head to look at him and the angle makes me giggle.

Bucky smiles before answering, “They’re open 24 hours, so no, we don’t have to”

“Good. I’m not ready to go home” I roll my head so I’m looking down at the table again and Bucky’s laugh shakes the booth we’re in.

“You sure you’re not tired?”

“I’m sure.” I pick my head up as if to prove a point, but end up getting a head rush that makes me hold my forehead.

“Are you okay?” He asks and I hum a response before putting my hands back down.

“Okay, you asked me about Connor. So how’s Amber?” I ask him while taking a drink of my milkshake. Which turns out to be Bucky’s milkshake but he doesn’t point that out until I’ve drank most of it.

“She’s alright” He he tells me with a sigh.

“Just alright?”

“She’s great!” He says more enthusiastically, but dripping with sarcasm.

“Well that wasn’t very convincing” I frown at him and he smiles.

“Really, everything’s good”

“That’s good. I like seeing you smile.” Apparently even as the alcohol slowly wears off my tired brain still doesn’t want to return the filter I normally keep. However, I earn another bright smile from the comment, so maybe it was worth it.

“I like seeing you smile too”  
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I wake up in my own bed. Thankful that I managed to keep the contents of my stomach inside me even if the headache is something awful. I’m also thankful that I made it home safely, not that I had any real doubt with Bucky looking after me. I don’t remember many fine details of the night before, but I do remember walking, talking, and eating with Bucky. The few scattered moments I do remember bring a smile to my face, it seems that Bucky and I really did seem to click. I eventually make my way to the kitchen and find Madison eating a bowl of cereal.

“Oh good, you’re alive”

“Were you concerned?”

“Not majorly, you did drink a lot, but Bucky’s good at taking care of his friends. I mean, look at Steve.” I shrug my response and go about pouring my own bowl of cereal. “You can’t keep denying that you and Bucky are friends”

“I’m not.”

“Oh, I get it. You’re upset because you want to be more than friends” she says it in a way the mocks the modern movie making industry and I can’t help but laugh.

“Yeah, sure. Something like that, but it doesn’t matter. Bucky and Amber are happy together and I’m not going to get in the middle of that”

“Are they really though?” she coaxed and I pause mid-bite.

“Aren’t they?”

“I’m not so sure” she shrugs and I sigh as she gets up to put her bowl in the sink.

“okay you can’t just do that. What do you know?”

“I know that she slept over last weekend but they didn’t even have sex, probably didn’t even get into heavy petting territory.”

“Okay?” I question as if that’s supposed to mean anything.

“They’re dating, they have been for weeks. Shouldn’t they be all over each other, especially when drunk? Even you and Connor got things going on” She wiggles her eyebrows suggestively at me and I cover my face, partially embarrassed for myself but mostly embarrassed for her. “And it’s Amber! she’s been all over him since, like, ever. Something doesn’t seem right there”

“Maybe they were just too drunk. Or maybe one of them was drunk and the sober one didn’t want to take advantage of the other. There’s plenty of possibilities” I try to reason with her.

“Yeah, yeah. I guess that’s true. But when Bucky got back to Steve’s last night, I’ve never seen him happier” My mind immediately assumes that, that means he went to see Amber after dropping me off at home last night and my heart drops through my stomach. Madison must be able to read it on my face, for she quickly grabs my arms to get my attention. “I mean he’s never been happier than he was after hanging out with you!”

“You don’t know that”

“I do. He texted me that he dropped you off like 10 minutes before he got back. That leaves no times for any spontaneous visits to see his ‘girlfriend’” She adds air quotes to the word and I smile despite myself.

“Maybe he just saw something funny on the way home, or maybe Amber was texting him” I try again and Madison rolls her eyes.

“Can you stop trying to rationalize this shit. Bucky. Likes. You.” she punctuates each word and I can’t help but smile as the idea finally takes hold in my brain.  
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

“You can’t be serious right now” Steve deadpans and stares at Bucky as he paces the living room.

“Why would I not be?”

“Because you’d be certifiably insane to pick Amber over (y/n)”

“Seriously, Steve? Amber isn’t that bad” He stops walking for a moment as if for emphasis before he continues.

“You’re right. She’s not, but she’s also not (y/n)”

“(y/n) barely even knows I exist”

“That’s not true. You guys hung out last night. It didn’t even take that much coaxing and I’m sure you showed her a good time”

“Showed her a good time? Jesus Steve, do you live in the 50s? Yeah, sure we had fun. But she was drunk so everything is a good time and I’m sure she doesn’t even remember most of it.”

“But she probably remembers that she had fun while hanging out with you. That’s really all that matters”

“I don’t think that’s how it works but whatever.”

“So when are you going to breakup with Amber?” Steve repeats his earlier question with an annoying perkiness and Bucky sighs.

“I am not breaking up with Amber to go after a girl who probably doesn’t even like me”

“Oh you said probably that time. Good, we’re making progress”

“She doesn’t like me!” Bucky yells, his annoyance finally getting the better of him.

“Why does talking about her make you so upset?”

“I don’t know.” Bucky sits down from pacing and puts his face in his hands

“Yes you do. Buck, it’s just me. You can talk about it” Steve tells him in a soothing voice and moves to rub his back.

“Because she’s impossible.”

“How so?”

“There’s no way she likes me and no matter how hard I try to just move on and be with someone new, she’s all I see”

“Bucky” Amber suddenly appears in the doorway, the look on her face making it clear that she heard the conversation.

“Amber, I-” she holds up her hand to stop him.

“I really don’t want to hear it. I know you didn’t go into this trying to hurt me. I’m not mad, but I don’t want to play pretend with you anymore”

“I wasn’t pretending” Bucky tried but she just shakes her head and smiles.

“'She’s all I see’?” she quotes him. “Maybe you’re emotions were real, but they weren’t meant for me”

“I’m sorry”

“I know” She smiles at him again and then turns to leave. Bucky rubs his hands over his face as he goes to sit down next to Steve again.

“I am such a fuck up”

“Maybe, but hey, now you don’t have to break up with her.”

“shut up”  
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

“(Y/n)!” Madison yells as she runs from her bedroom to mine. I flinch at the sudden loud noise and she jumps on my bed.

“Yes?” I ask tentatively.

“Guess who just broke up!”

“Serena and Dan?” I guess, knowing her recent interest in Gossip Girl.

“No! Wait, do they?” She pauses and gets a worried look on her face before remembering what she was going to tell me. “No! Bucky and Amber!"She starts bouncing with excitement, and I know I should be bouncing along, but without the trouble of separate relationships in the way the possibility of me and Bucky being together becomes very real and quite honestly very scary.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I’m winning you with words because I have no other way. I’d love to look into your face without your eyes turning away"

You know that idea people have where once your crush is no longer in a relationship, they’re just going to come running to find you and confess their love to you? Yeah. That’s not real. In fact, I barely even saw Bucky for a next few weeks. Midterms were upon us and most of my time outside of class was filled with studying, or at least me pretending to study. I saw Bucky in passing between classes occasionally, but nothing other than a friendly smile passed between us.

Without the frequent contact between us that had been happening the past couple weeks, and with the constant threat of exams coming up, there wasn’t much time for me to think about Bucky. Or, at least that’s what I thought. 

I had taken a Creative Writing class thinking, at the beginning of the semester, that it would be a fun break from my other classes while still giving me the English credits I need. I wasn’t wrong, the class was fun, but it seems no matter what the assignment is, I end up writing about Bucky. Flash Fiction, I write about Bucky. Poetry, I write about Bucky, and don’t even get me started on the short stories. Now, working on the midterm portfolio and having to write another poem, I find myself once again thinking about Bucky. While the old poems were short and frankly, angry. This one seems to finally have dug into my deeper emotions and started becoming more of a love poem.

Something I always swore I would never be was a sap, but here I am pouring my heart into a poem about a guy who I barely know. I’m so caught up in my head and the poem that I don’t even notice how late it is until I’ve finished the poem and notice it’s dark outside. I make my way to the kitchen in search of dinner, now that I’m one stop closer to finishing my portfolio, maybe I can eat.

“Oh, I didn’t even know you were here” Madison tells me when I enter the kitchen.

“Sorry, I was studying. Actually, I was writing”

“More about Bucky?” She asks in an almost sad tone.

“Yeah, but I don’t know, this one felt different”

“Can I read it?” I shrug my consent and she leaves the room to fetch my computer. “(y/n), this is really good. ‘I’m winning you with words because I have no other way. I’d love to look into your face without your eyes turning away’” she quotes one of the lines and even I’m surprised that I came up with that. “Hey don’t you have to do an open mic thing? You should use this”

“You think so? I was going to read one of the short flash pieces, you know, one of the few that aren’t about Bucky”

“I mean you can if you want, but no one is going to know this is about Bucky and I think it’s your best work”  
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

“Don’t be nervous, it’s going to be fine. Just take deep breathes, hey, I’m gonna be there so just find me in the audience and focus on me, okay?” Madison instructs me on calming down before we leave for the open mic night. My Creative Writing professor created an assignment out of everyone performing an original piece at least once at the weekly open mic nights on campus. It has been an assignment for the past couple weeks, but of course I waited until the last possible night. “Are you ready to go?” She confirms and I nod.

As we’re walking I notice her texting away, “are you talking to Steve?”

“Yeah, he’s going to meet us there”

“I didn’t know he was coming” I mumble as a fresh wave of butterflies move in.

“I thought I told you, I’m sorry, but I promise it’s just Steve. Well, I guess I don’t promise, but I didn’t invite Bucky. I swear there’s so secret plan this time” She assures me after clearly seeing the worry on my face.

“Okay” is all I can say as we keep walking. The open mic happens for a total of 3 hours and people come and go as they please. Technically all I have to do is go in, read my poem, and then I can leave; but for some reason I decide to hang out and listen to other people for a while first. I realize this was a mistake after the fourth or fifth person. They’re all so much better than me and I can’t imagine having to be compared to them.

Steve still isn’t there when I decide to go up, I’m hopeful that maybe I’ll finish before he arrives and him and Madison can just hang out somewhere else, but as I’m settling myself in front of the mic I notice him walk in and sit down next to Madison. Someone walks in behind him, but the back of the room was too dark and they head in a different direction to I assume it’s not someone I know. I take a deep breath and start reading my poem. I focus all my attention on the paper in front of me, occasionally looking up at Madison to find her smiling encouragingly back at me. I’m almost done when I notice a figure walk across the room and sit down across from Steve.

My eyes flash up to Madison and after seeing that her smile is gone I look at the figure next to her, I keep reading “I’m winning you with words because I have no other way. I’d love to look into your face without your eyes turning away” My eyes meet bright blue as I lock eyes with Bucky. His lips turn up into a smile and I’m thankful that I had most of the poem memorized, for I can’t seem to break away from his gaze. People do a mix of snapping and clapping and I’m finally brought back to the present. I give the crowd a small smile and make my way back to the table.

Madison jumps up and hugs me as soon as I’m close enough, “I’m sorry” she whispers before going on to say “I’m so proud of you” unnecessarily loud.

“Thanks” I give her a smile as we break apart, letting her know that it’s okay.

“That was really good (y/n)” Steve tells me as we all sit back down.

“Thanks Steve” I smile at him over my drink.

“Yeah, I didn’t know you could write like that” Bucky chimes in.

“There are probably a lot of things you don’t know about me” I say with a shrug. I meant it to be funny, but by the glare Madison gives me and the stone cold silence from Bucky, I have a feeling it didn’t come across that way. “I mean, I didn’t really know I could write like this either”

“Besides, it’s easy when you have a good muse, right (y/n)?” Madison smirks at me and I almost spit out my drink.

“Oh you have a muse?” Bucky looks to me, clearly unaware of my almost tragic reaction.

“Um, yeah. Doesn’t every great author?” I joke and change the subject in an attempt to get the attention off of me “I didn’t know you guys were coming.”

“You think we would miss an opportunity to hear your work?” Steve asks and I can’t tell if he’s being sarcastic or not so I just shrug.

“Seriously, I knew you were a good writer, but I had no idea you had something like that in you” Bucky tells me and puts his hand on my arm as if for emphasis. The heat in my cheeks gets worse and I break eye contact with him, mumbling a thank you. He slowly takes his arm away and focuses on whatever Steve is talking about. We stay and listen to other people speak or sing for a while before we all start walking back towards our apartments. Steve takes Madison’s hand, leaving me and Bucky to walk side by side on the narrow sidewalk.

“So have you always liked writing?” Bucky asks.

“I guess so, but I really just took the class for the credits. I don’t plan on taking my writing very seriously or anything.”

“Why not? You’re really good, and you should follow whatever dream you have”

“Oh yeah, and what dream are you following?”

“I’m going to invent something some day” he tells me seriously.

“What kind of something?”

“I’m not sure yet, but science and engineering, that’s my dream”

“It’s a very practical dream” I shrug before continuing, “writing isn’t.”

He sighs and actually sounds defeated, “just, don’t stop writing, okay?”

“Okay” I shrug

Bucky stops suddenly and grabs my shoulders to make me face him, “I’m serious. Promise me”

“I promise” I blink, shocked by change from his usually happy go lucky attitude. He cracks a smile when I agree and drops his arms back to his sides, but not before running his hands down my arms and along the sides of my hands.

“I didn’t mean to scare you, I just didn’t want you to think I was kidding around”

“I know, you didn’t really scare me. I just wasn’t expecting that”

“Good, good” he looks down and runs his hand through his hair, a nervous habit I’ve picked up on. I notice we’re standing in front of the diner we ate at the last time we were together. I also notice that Madison and Steve have walked on without us.

“Hey, do you want to grab something to eat? I was so nervous earlier that I never ate dinner”

“Well we can’t have you starve” He teases and opens the door for me. I make my way to a booth and he sits across from me. “This is where we sat last time” he notes.

“Really?”

“You don’t remember?”

“Not fine details” I shrug and he nods. “I remember you eating half my fries though” I glare at him but end up cracking a smile while he tries to defend himself.

“That’s because you were done. I wasn’t going to let them go to waste.”

“Yeah, okay. Keep telling yourself that” I reach out to pat his hand that’s resting on the table. He looks to where our hands met and slowly moves his hand up to intertwine our fingers. I look up from our hands and our eyes meet for a moment before the overly cheery waitress comes up to our table and I jump and pull my hand back to my lap. Once she takes our orders and leaves we’re left in an awkward pit of silence.

“There was a line from your poem that really stuck in my head” Bucky starts and I look up at him, waiting for him to continue. “I think it was something like ‘I’d love to look into your face without your eyes turning away’” as he says it I find my eyes drifting down to my lap, but as I do so Bucky leans forward and hooks his fingers under my chin, making me meet his eyes again. “(y/n), I’d love to look into your face without your eyes turning away.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "This city is for strangers like the sky is for the stars. I think it's very dangerous if we do not take what's ours"

“How was your date?” Madison calls as soon as the door closes behind me.

“It wasn’t a date” I sigh while making my way to sit on the couch next to her. "How was your date?“

"It wasn’t a date” She shrugs and smirks at me.

“Shut up” I give her shoulder a shove and slouch down into the cushions. “It was kind of a date wasn’t it?”

“Well there wasn’t any drinking involved this time, so yeah I think it’s safe to say that this one was a date”

“But people can just hang out without it being a date”

“People can, sure, but you and Bucky can’t.”

“That’s not a fair”

“Suit yourself then. It wasn’t a date”

“Thank you” I nod at her triumphantly before slouching again. “but maybe I wanted it to be a date”

“Did he walk you home?”

“Well, our building is on the way to his” I remind her.

“Did he walk you to the door?”

“Well, yes” I sigh in defeat, “but that’s just because we were in the middle of a conversation”

“There’s no reason you couldn’t have finished that conversation downstairs. He wanted to spend as long as possible with you”

I roll my eyes at her reasoning but smile despite myself. “You think so?”

“I know so”

I go to sleep that night with a smile on my face and I wake the same way. I’m thankful for the weekend to study and bask in the happiness before the bad mood of test week consumes me. I procrastinate my studying for a little longer by picking up my phone and scrolling through so social media pages. Instagram bores me so I switch over to Facebook. I scroll for a while before I feel caught up on everyone’s lives and I’m about to close out of the app when I see a picture of Bucky. I look over the picture, finding that Amber posted it. The caption “My favorite person” feels like a slap to the face as I look at the way she’s hanging on him and the unmistakably real smile that has taken over his features. I throw the phone down next to me, determined to ignore the clawing feeling in my stomach until I have time to fully assess the situation. I get up to take a shower, hoping it will help me refresh the good mood I woke up with.

I eventually make my way to the library. With only one more paper to write and 2 exams this week, I’m feeling pretty good. The music playing through my headphones does a good job at tuning out the everyday sounds of the library and I’m practically oblivious to everything going on around me. That is until someone sits down across from me. I slowly look up from my computer and meet the bright blue eyes of Bucky. Butterflies swirl in my stomach before the memory of the pictures enters my mind and the butterflies are squashed by a raging fire.

“Hey” he smiles at me as I take my headphones off.

“Hi”

“I uh, I texted you to see if you wanted to study together but you didn’t answer. I was hoping I’d find you here”

“Well, you found me” I deadpan.

“Right, well can I study with you?”

“Sure” I agree, before putting my headphones back on. I try to go back to my paper, but Bucky just stares, blinking at me over my computer. I sigh and take my headphones back off, “what?”

“Are you mad at me or something? Did I do something wrong, because I felt like we really connected last night and I thought we had fun, but now you’re acting like you hate me”

“I don’t hate you”

“Then what’s going on?”

“Nothing” I shrug and get up to look for a book as a distraction from this conversation, but Bucky gets up and follows close behind me.

“I don’t believe you” he states once we’ve stopped walking and I’m looking through titles.

“I don’t know what to tell you, Bucky. Nothing’s wrong” I say without looking up. I’m afraid my facade will crack if I look at him now. He sighs again and leans on the shelf I’m looking through. When I can’t find the book I’m looking for in my section I take a hesitant step towards him, “I think the book I want is behind you”

“Just tell me what’s wrong”

“Nothing is wrong”

He shrugs, “then I guess you don’t really want that book”

“I need that book to finish my paper. Please, Bucky, just move”

“Not until you tell me what’s going on.”

I stare at the ceiling and groan before blurting out, “It’s Amber”

“What about Amber? I told you we broke up.”

“Well did you tell her that?”

He looks genuinely confused as he asks, “What are you talking about?”

I roll my eyes pull my phone out of my pocket to pull up the picture, “It sure looks like you’re still together” he takes the phone out of my hand and holds it closer to his face for further inspection.

“(y/n)”

“What?”

“She posted this picture over a month ago, like when we were actually dating.”

“What?”

“Look” he turns so I can see the picture and points to the time stamp at the bottom.

“Fuck” is all I can think to say and Bucky laughs. “I’m so sorry, I should’ve just asked you about it or looked at the time stamp instead of being an idiot” I whine and hide my face in my hands. Bucky continues to laugh and hugs me tightly before pulling my hands on my face.

“Relax, it’s all figured out now, right?” I nod and he smiles, making me smile along with him. “You’re pretty cute when you’re jealous” He smirks and my smile turns to a scowl before I give him a punch on the arm. He laughs again and I can’t help but laugh with him.

“SHHH,” the librarian screeches at us, setting us into another fit of giggles.

“We should probably leave,” I say between laughter and Bucky nods his agreement before taking my hand and pulling me back towards the table to grab our stuff. We leave the library semi-quietly, under the watchful glare from the librarian. Once we’re out the door we both burst with more laughter, holding onto each other so we don’t fall as we walk down the street.

“I can never go back there, she’s going to hate me forever” I manage to breathe out between giggles.

“Oh, she’ll be over it in a week” Bucky assures me. He takes my hand in his as we keep walking.

“Where are we going?” I ask.

“Do you not want to be my girlfriend? I thought that was the consensus we came to. I mean, I know I want to be your boyfriend but if that’s not what you want I understand. We can just be friends, I do want to at least be your friend” Bucky rambles on without looking at me. I stop walking, my eyes growing wide as he keeps on talking. He finally stops and turns to look at me. “What?”

“Bucky, I meant where are we going to right now. Ya know because we got kicked out of the library” I softly explain to him, trying to hide the smile that’s growing on my face.

“Oh, right” his face turns a bright shade of red and he looks at the ground between us while pushing his hair back from his face. I take a deep breath before stepping closer to him and turning my face up under his to press our lips together in a soft kiss. He’s hesitant at first, but quickly wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me closer. It doesn’t last long, but when we pull apart I’m breathless.

“I do want to be your girlfriend,” I tell him and the smile on his face becomes unbelievable bright, “It’s been a long ride, but I’m not missing out on you”

“I think it’s very dangerous if we don’t take what’s ours, and now, you’re mine” he squeezes his arms around my waist again and picks me off the ground in a hug before eventually setting me back down and kissing me again.

“So where are we going?” I ask again once we break apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this is the end of this series. I hope you all enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it!


End file.
